Lazy Sunday

It seems the holiday rush is over, thankfully.

I just wasn't feeling "Christmasy" this year. I did enjoy it but it was painfully obvious that something, no, someone was missing. I think of our little Ben everyday. I can detail each and every moment of his birth and death like it was just yesterday. In the beginning I was so afraid that I would forget all about him. Thankfully that isn't so.

It's CD 19 for me and I got my +opk (Ovulation Predictor) today!! This means I should be ovulating within the day or so. This is good news and means Hubby and I will have a busy few days. So if you're in the neighbourhood definitely call before you show up!

With any luck this will be the lucky cycle we've been waiting for!! Fingers Crossed!

Merry Christmas

As difficult as it has been, I've survived. The Hubby and I have had some really nice heart to hearts in the last few days and it makes me love that man even more. I realize that as much as 2008 left a big empty hole in my heart I still have plenty to be thankful for. I am trying to focus on that and it has helped.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

I Feel Blue

Well it has crept up on me. I've been trying to silence it but the ugliness is starting to rear its head. Thankfully I'm keeping it to myself because I'm sure no one wants to listen to it.

I have a serious case of the "would have should haves" and it's really eating at me. We should be celebrating this Christmas with a 1 month old baby and the fact that we aren't is killing me. We're not even pregnant again and I was certain that we would be. I'm starting to get that panic that maybe last time was a complete fluke, maybe we can't get pregnant easily, maybe something's wrong. Logically I know that we're only one our 4th cycle TTCing again and that's totally normal but the crazed woman who so desperately wants to start a family with her husband is screaming inside and wondering when luck will turn in our favour.

Aren't I a treat!

Despite all of this I'm going to try to enjoy Christmas as it's a holiday that we love so much. It's just going to take some effort this year.

Bah Humbug.

Twiddling My Thumbs

Seems to be the name of the game when it comes to my "cycle".

See I am not lucky enough to ovulate on the 14th day of my cycle like my medical textbook says I should. For me it's anywhere between 18-27 sometimes even longer if I'm stressed, yes, you read that right. So it can be a long impatient wait for me. I try to not get too worked up about it, but usually around the 7th day of my cycle I start to get anxious. I want time to pass quickly so we can try to make this happen.

Today is cycle day (cd) 8 and now I start to throw a little pitty party about why I can't be "normal" at least in the menstrual cycle way of things. I want to know why I can't be one of those people who decides they want to get pregnant and they just do. Oh to be so lucky!

For now, we just...wait. *Le Sigh*

Oh and if anyone has any extra babydust, would you send it my way?

Sick & Tired & Sick Again

Bah. It's a sick day. Everything hurts or is nauseated.

Work called at 2 am asking if I could come in for 7 I said yes, big mistake. So I woke with my alarm at 5 as per usual and immediately regret my agreeance to show my face at work. I decide to deal with it but I can't shake this feeling that I.Just.Shouldn't.GO. I'm all showered but still look like hell and I get in my car...won't start. FANTASTIC! This is yet another sign that I shouldn't go. I trudge upstairs and wake Eric and say "I'm calling work, the car won't start". He replies with a "What?" and jumps out of bed into action. The entire time I'm screaming in my head "No No No No, I don't want to go, please don't fix the car" ...he fixes the car, just needed a boost. Damn it. I guess I'm going to work. I'm driving down the street when I get that feeling, you know that one where your stomach starts screaming "MOVE OUT OF THE WAY" I stop the car and open the drivers side door and vomit in the middle of the street. I turn the car around and head back home. Back to bed I went.

I'm up and still feeling like garbage. I'm glad this didn't strike while on vacation and should be gone before Christmas but man I hate being sick.

Home Sweet Home

Well we're back from vacation and it was fantastic!

Weather was gorgeous, food was plentiful and there was alcohol, more than my fair share!

I have a confession. When I posted last I was in the 2 week wait (any die hard women out there trying to conceive will know that that means the 2 week period after you've ovulated until your period is due at which time you'll hopefully get those 2 pink lines on a pregnancy test).

Anyways, I was in the 2ww and was feeling so confident that this was our month - that after 3 months of trying we would get the reward we were hoping for! You can imagine my surprise then when "Aunt Flo" made her unwelcome appearance. Perfect.

I had a pity party and turned that day into a day of drinking. Bad news!

Now we're back to square one. Hoping to make THIS month the one we've been waiting for.

Leavin on a Jet Plane

...but I know when I'll be back again.

I'm going to be a bad blogger. I've made a pact to dedicate myself to blogging, but I must leave you for a week.

Eric and I are taking a vacation. See two years ago we were married on the sandy beaches of Mexico and so when we can we like to travel for our anniversary. Last year was Panama and this year it's the Dominican Republic.

Of course this is all very bitter sweet as we should be trying to figure out our life with a newborn but life has other plans. So we're going to go and enjoy ourselves, drink and eat way too much and have not a care in the world!

I'll post some pictures when we return.

Giving it a kick at the can!

Well. I'm taking the plunge. I'm going to blog.

I'm hoping that this can be an outlet for me to put my crazy thoughts down on virtual paper.

The Hubby and I are trying to start our family and it's been a rocky start to say the least. So I'll dedicate my first post to giving the back story.

On March 12th 2008 we got the best news. We were PREGNANT after only 3 months of trying! Could hardly contain our joy. We sailed through the first trimester and after our 12 week ultrasound reality struck. We were having this baby.

Then here's what happened...

On the morning of June 11,2008 I noticed some bleeding and thought it best to go to the emergency department to get it checked out. I’m fully aware that these things can be normal so I thought this would be a minor inconvenience. Eric and I arrived at the WGH Emergency around 11 am. The triage nurse was really great, very friendly and tried to keep me calm. We were escorted to a room about an hour later. We didn’t wait long for the Dr and she too was very friendly and receptive to us. After some routine questions she got out the Doppler and right away found a very strong, lively heartbeat – we breathed a sigh of relief – our Little Monkey was safe and sound, at least we thought. She moved to do an internal exam and noticed the bleeding that I had spoken of and didn’t seem too concerned until she did a more thorough exam and then the words I’ll never forget “There is something wrong with the pregnancy. You have dilated to 4cm and your membranes are bulging through the cervix – I don’t think this will be a viable pregnancy. I’m so sorry” In that sentence our world has come crashing down.

We met with the obstetrician on call who confirmed to us that I indeed for some unknown reason had started to dilate to the point where there was nothing that could be done to stop it – today would be our Monkeys birthday and at only 16 weeks 6 days they would not be able to survive. I was going to deliver this baby as it was the safest way to do so.

I was moved upstairs around 2pm and was left in the care of R.N’s who were wonderful and if at all possible truly helped us through and showed the most genuine compassion I’ve ever seen from any human beings. At about 2:45 the contractions started and at about 4:55 my water broke and labor intensified. At 6 I could feel the pressure and was ready to push and one very small push later, at 6:02 our beautiful baby boy Benjamin Paul R was born. He was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen, just slightly bigger than one of my hands. They wrapped him up and we were left alone to hold him and take him all in – it was the most bittersweet hour and a half and I will never ever forget his incredible little face. He was long and broad shouldered just like his daddy with the biggest hands and feet I’d ever seen! 10 fingers and 10 toes – absolute perfection

Unfortunately all of the placenta did not deliver on its own and I was taken for surgery which went well. Dr expects a speedy full recovery, physically. Emotionally – this will never heal.

I have since been diagnosed with a Classic Incompetent Cervix. We're trying for another baby but it is a work in progress. So you'll get to hear my trials and tribulations as we hope for another little one who makes it safely to us this time.

If you have made it this far - go get yourself a cookie!